KAPOW.

In a session this morning, our counselor said something that I immediately, painfully recognized as an old, deep core issue of mine--one that shows up daily but that I've avoided naming with such clarity or working on.

After the initial WHOA/OMG moment, I acknowledged yes, that is my issue. It's been with me a long time. I fight a daily battle with it. It's always around, the endless loop of hypercritical thoughts that I try and often fail to push away and that sometimes sends me careening over the edge.

I turned to my husband and partner of 3 1/2 years and said this is my issue. He's seen symptoms of it, but I've never really identified it to or with him. He didn't know it was there or how much of a grip it has on me or that it was undergirding some of the trouble spots in our relationship. On some level, I knew but it had never roiled to the surface with such painful, inescapable clarity.

He was concerned, confused. "You're amazing," he said. "How can this be your issue?"

I'm not sure. I do know that I have to tackle this NOW. No more hiding. It's time to work through it. We talked about ways Mike can help when the issue shows up now that we both know it's there and are aware of some of the shapes it takes.

On the way to the car after the session, I thanked Mike for listening and being supportive. I said that was a HUGE admission/acknowledgment for me. It was scary and painful to name my issue out loud. I felt naked--and not good naked. Exposed.

We drove most of the way to Salt Lake in silence. I was still marveling and in awe of what happened. Seeing the issue clearly--THAT clearly--for the first time and recognizing that it's time to work on it.

I turned to Mike and said "OMG, I still can't believe what happened. That was HUGE! And there's no going back now that it's out in the open. Not that I want to go back; it's simply IMPOSSIBLE to go back now."

Later, I imagined my former therapist and teacher, Lee Gibson, encouraging me to work this issue, to get really CLEAR about it, and saying with a chuckle, "That's your homework, kiddo. This issue can repress you or empower you. Decide which it's going to be and get to work."

Even though someone else did the facilitating this morning, I'm pretty sure Lee had a hand in it somehow. Point taken, Big Guy. I'm on it.