Last spring, a longtime friend and I had a falling out.
She was upset that I had not kept her in the loop regarding my relationship with Mike. When she blew off a "meet Mike" dinner and dodged my attempts to make other plans with her, this seemed to communicate something other than interest.
When I did fill her in, she was upset with the delay and the delivery. She went home that night and slept with her married Egyptian neighbor. A few weeks later, she called to confide in me about this new affair. It wasn't "ideal" but she wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.
I'd been her sounding board during her 3-year slog with a physically and emotionally abusive (and also married) man. Frankly, I wasn't up for Round 2.
I sent her an email, saying I was having a hard time processing her affair. I was concerned about her. If she chose to pursue this relationship, of course I would still be her friend. However, I set a boundary: I asked that she not discuss her affair with me.
She responded with a torrent of criticism, taking aim at every tender dream and weaponizing every confidence I'd shared with her. Ouch.
During the 9 months of silence that followed, I sent cards, Christmas and birthday gifts, a Valentine. I was determined to live up to what I'd said: I would be her friend regardless.
Two weeks ago, she emailed to thank me for the Valentine and said she'd like to see how I'm doing. Then she took a couple more shots at my integrity and behavior and criticized me for the gift I'd sent for her birthday.
When I acknowledged her anger and asked if she wanted to talk about it, she again responded with vitriol. Criticized me, my relationship with Mike (whom she's never met), called me too much of a coward to deal with her in person and says it makes her sick that she ever thought I was a friend.
Gee, are you sure you're not holding anything back?
I value my women friends. I know how rare and precious a good friend can be. It always pains me to part ways with friends, even when we outgrow each other and "breaking up" is to our mutual benefit.
I wanted to open the door for dialogue with her. I'd hoped we could patch things up before I move to Texas, but her last email was one shit sandwich too many for me.
While I yearn to correct her accusations and misconceptions or respond in kind (and boy, could I!), a quieter, wiser part of me is saying this is my cue to say goodbye.
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4 comments:
I have to agree with you - this person is not a real friend. She's got some issues that she's projecting onto you, in my opinion, and she does not have your best interests at heart - clearly. Anyone who would 'weaponize your deepest confidences' (a killer phrase, by the way) is never going to be a True Friend. Count yourself gracefully out of it by letting her have the last word, and don't look back. She's toxic - from what I can tell from here anyhow. ;-) XO - Di
I'm really sorry to hear about this, Mary Ellen, and I have no problem believing that she's being really weird and unreasonable in all this. I remember that when you and I had some conflict, you dealt with it really well, and we remained friends.
I do sympathize, with the pain and the betrayal. I've had some truly devastating friend break-ups--some have been about as heartbreaking as break-ups with lovers. But at least you can take comfort in the fact that you did what you could to give the friendship a chance to recover, should she have wanted to let it recover as well.
Thanks for your kind words. I'm sad to lose a friendship, but I'm not the one who walked away.
Because I like having the last word, I drafted a reply to her last email. I don't know when or if I'll send it, but there are a few things I'd like on the record.
I said I'm not clear what it is she wants from me. I disagree with her mischaraterizations. Her anger toward me doesn't change the fact that we had a lot of good times as friends or that I would still choose to be her friend. However, if I provoke such negative emotions in her, perhaps it's best we part company.
I think I'll let that sit for a while before deciding whether or not to send it.
I agree with Di and B.D. Toxic friends aren't worth it and need to be lovingly laid aside and left behind, especially if you've made the kind of gestures I know you've made. You've taken the higher ground here and she continues to toss barbs at you. What? Is this a test to see if you'll keep coming back for more? There's a fine line between seeking reconciliation and accepting abuse. There's more going on inside your friend than she's aware of and she's using you as her punching bag. I'd part by saying you still love her, but it's over. My two cents. xo - JMK
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